No answers to Chulbuli's questions!

After Kats's 'exams' got over she had a long list of things to do before leaving for Here. She walked with Shanti, Sanjeevani and Rekha from her hostel to Himadrija and Indigo's room in the hostel that is like so many miles away. The walk is like almost a walk through a jungle to reach another country, where on the way there is a brook(tiny version of river), big rocks, and monkeys, peacocks. Like the journey the nomads make.

Most of the times when she travels to Indigo and Hima's place, it is like a turning point, a point form where things change.While we were walking, I asked Kats, "Wouldn't it be fun if we could do this walking around everyday? See all the beauty around us." Kats rolled her eyes in reply, "And darling, who would attend the classes for me? The lizard in our wing's bathroom?" Lizard attending was not a bad option at all according to me, but for a few problems. No it is not Kats's desk partner, she doesn't have one, she refers to sit alone on the first bench in the corner of the class, it is the girls who sit behind her. Both Shanti and Rekha are scared of lizards. Also, to be able to take notes for Kats in her absence would be difficult for it(we don't know whether the lizard is a boy or a girl you see) with all the yummy distractions buzzing around, also to be able to talk in our language and ask the teacher the questions she has would need a long training.  After all of those thoughts I forgot to reply to her and I am sure she thought I had not solution to it. Before I could choose to speak about it, she spoke, "Chulbulli, you know something? If you played the same game everyday, you'll get bored too soon. Similarly if we do all this excursion everyday, it'll lose its charm. " Is it true what she said? Some games I have played everyday like hide and seek, but I am still not bored of it, what changed though was the people with whom I played. So.. is that its not just the journey but the people, the things, the sky, the moon everything that makes every journey different?

Later that night we sat in the balcony of the 'wing' of the hostel where her room is. For those who don't know about hostels, hostel is like mini home, without Mummy and Daddy, you have new and different family members. Some like to talk, some don't; some study in the same class, some don't; some are older than her, some younger, some as old as her. What is common in them all is, they have left their own families and traveled a large distance to learn. As for a wing, a wing  is a bunch of rooms that are close together, one after the other. In Kats's case, her wing has a door, their own bathroom, two basins and a balcony where the mango tree's branch spreads out its arms. 

So under the dark sky, with a few twinkling stars, and the dark green mango leaves hanging over our head as the cold winter was punching us I asked Kats that if she had the chance of doing what she really wanted to do, what she thought she really was sent to do by leaving everything now would she do it? She didn't reply! She was so silent that i could hear all the leaves above our heads rattle,  I even tried to count the number of rattles that the leaves made as she stood in silence. Then I thought maybe I asked a difficult question, so I asked her again, differently, "So if you were in a closed cold stone-made cave like room like the ones where the Flintstones live in, with a window, and there was a huge garden outside with flowers of the colour of the rainbow, and a pond with swans like in the fairy tales. What would you choose?" She was still very silent. I didn't know what was wrong with the question. She finally answered when 50 or more leaves had rattled, I think the tree was curious too. She said, 

"I would stay outside during the day play and enjoy. And at night would come back to the cave."

And then I understood what I forgot to ask her, what if she could choose only one? I asked her. And again there was silence. I started to count the stars, that is what daddy had taught me to do when I can't wait for something, and after that all I remember is black.

Few diamonds on earth; Kats is no so bad at all(?)

Diwali, the festival of lights is one of our favorite. Mummy told me the story behind the festival long back, when Lord Ram returned from Vanvas the residents of the kingdom of ayodhaya lit up diyas  to welcome him, cause it was a dark moonless night. They couldn’t bring the moon up on to the sky, so they made a huge sea of twinkling little stars on earth for Lord Ram. We celebrate it every year, and mummy says “It is to bring the Ram in us back.” I don’t exactly get what she means, but I the festival is really nice.

Till last year back it used to be all about fun, tasty food that mummy makes at home, lighting up lamps, bursting crackers and going around here to see the idols of Kali. Khushi and Kats used to be out all evening walking all around here, seeing the idols of Kalis across. This year it was different. There was no Godess kali, no mummy or Daddy, no Khushi, no tasty food, but there was an ‘EXAM’ the next day.  

The way the day started it hardly felt like there was festival. No excitement, no cheer. But the phone  kept reminding them that there was a festival. Calls from all the wonderful people who celebrate festivals, and not run with their eyes shut. Kats thankfully wore the new kurta that mummy left, giving the feel of a festival. 

Kats was getting better. She  got ready in the new kurta, combed her hair neat, wore a tiny bindi, wore kajal and went out with her friends. All her friends dressed in many many colours, not a rainbow on the whole I must admit, but quite a few portions of it.  I must tell you about her friends all thanks to the Rumpunzel experience that Kats gave me for the last few years, I couldn’t tell you about them. Himadrija, I think I have told about her, her best friend in this new place. Kats as you know had come prepared with ropes to tie me up, and lock herself up in a room away from sunlight, breeze and moon light, she couldn’t save me, but did manage to not let her lock herself up. She introduced her to Shanti and Rekha . Shanti has long hair like Rumpunzel and Rekha is short, but what I like about them is how they don’t get to adultish like Kats, not big fans of numbers, but love colours, games and being happy. And through Shanti she got introduced to Sanjeevani, lean as stick, but is the only one who has won the battle against the adult raising in her. 

Rekha was against them going to the temple at 12 noon. “Well who goes to temples at 12 noon” Rekha Said, even I thought for long mummy never went to temple at such a time, but do you have visiting hours to visit God and whisper to him ? All through the journey Rekha kept on scaring Sanjeevani, Shanti and Kats that the temple might be closed. But guess what! They just managed to whisper to God. They ran into the temple and I could hardly say HI to God that we had to leave the temple as the pujari ji said that it was closing time. Mummy had told me that when it was time for God to sleep the temple is closed. And as the door closed behind us all I wished God a happy nap. 

Around the temple I saw a little boy, wearing an old torn dress form which the colour was slowly vanishing. He stretched his hands out to Kats asking for money. It was so sad to see a little boy sad, without food to eat and a smile to wear. That too on a festival when everyone was happy. She gave him a rupee and he closed his fingers tight on it. She walked away without lookin at him, I think he was still looking at her for some of her colours and her smile. You can share a smile can you?

They saw a shop full of candles, crackers and diyas. It took me back to here, to the days where I used to hold daddy’s hands and he used to but these things for Diwali. 

When the sky became black and the entire city started to burst crackers, Shanti and Kats were busy studying together for the ‘EXAM’. They were waiting for Himadrija to arrive. She came, and brought lamps, and loads of smile. It was like I was almost back to here. Like a new type of family with sisters. 

With lamps that they lit together, it was like diamonds were being arranged into a shape. Kats let the rope around me free and it was so much fun. Dancing around the lamps and watch them shine. I learnt today, that the festival-family feeling doesn’t always need to have mummy and daddy, but I did miss them.

Numbers, lies, and chaos

Tied up in a corner with thick ropes and duck tape on my mouth, can you imagine Chulbuli like that? Thats what Kats did to me last two years. I realized how Rapunzel might have felt when left to herself in the tall tower with a duck tape on her mouth. Lonely, silent, pale, that is the life of an adult.

Obsessed(I learn it from Kats)with numbers all adults are. Marks, money, weight, height, length, breadth, thickness, everything, everything except for the thing for which they use them to differentiate from other things. Two numbers have been flashing with bright neon lights on Kats's mind from her arrival to this horrible place, weight and her marks in the course. Kats says she wants to study more, and to study more she was telling me once that she needs more marks. But I asked her,"If you want to study more, you can simply study more, how will those numbers decide?" She laughed at me as if I told her that a fruit that looks like an orange is an apple. And I remember the reply she gave to me, "Those numbers tell them how much I know. And only if I know the amount they want, I can know more. Those who know little, can't know more." And I also remember my reply to which she had no answer, "How can what you know be in numbers? Is knowing things countable? And if it is how can you compare two things that you know, that one is larger or smaller, because knowing somethings is easier than knowing some other things. Like knowing that I have ten fingers is easier than knowing how earth revolves around the sun. Or knowing anything is the same? And how can you decide that what is the smallest part of knowing about anything?..." Later that day she told me, that they give questions that she must answer in the time that the people who choose the questions give. But I still wonder how one question can tell whether Kats knows about it or not, what if when she was asked the question she forgot about it, but later she remembered it. Like I know that Barney is purple in colour, but what if I forget how to pronounce the name of the colour, would it mean I don't know about it?

If only knowing and everything to do with it was easy. Till two years back, Kats knew she loved Chemistry, she still does, but she knew she wanted to know more chemistry, but being a REAL scientist that was the lie she started to chant. And it was a whale that swallowed her. She was too scared, too shy to say what she really wanted, she knew what she wanted. But living inside the whale of lies, she forgot about the sun, the moon, the water, the wind. And when the whale opened its mouth a bit, through the cracks she saw it and recalled. And again she was back into the pinkness of the mouth of the whale. And for that time, the thought of the sun, moon and water never came to her. Now, just today, the whale coughed and she was thrown right into the sea. Initially she thought she didn't know anything, not even how to swim. But her hands began to move on their own, and she didn't drown. Now the chaos is all about whether Kats knows what she wanted to be or whether she doesn't?

How many marks for her to answer the question of "what do you want to be?" ? Can the answer to the question really know whether she knows it? Chaos it is.