Numbers, lies, and chaos

Tied up in a corner with thick ropes and duck tape on my mouth, can you imagine Chulbuli like that? Thats what Kats did to me last two years. I realized how Rapunzel might have felt when left to herself in the tall tower with a duck tape on her mouth. Lonely, silent, pale, that is the life of an adult.

Obsessed(I learn it from Kats)with numbers all adults are. Marks, money, weight, height, length, breadth, thickness, everything, everything except for the thing for which they use them to differentiate from other things. Two numbers have been flashing with bright neon lights on Kats's mind from her arrival to this horrible place, weight and her marks in the course. Kats says she wants to study more, and to study more she was telling me once that she needs more marks. But I asked her,"If you want to study more, you can simply study more, how will those numbers decide?" She laughed at me as if I told her that a fruit that looks like an orange is an apple. And I remember the reply she gave to me, "Those numbers tell them how much I know. And only if I know the amount they want, I can know more. Those who know little, can't know more." And I also remember my reply to which she had no answer, "How can what you know be in numbers? Is knowing things countable? And if it is how can you compare two things that you know, that one is larger or smaller, because knowing somethings is easier than knowing some other things. Like knowing that I have ten fingers is easier than knowing how earth revolves around the sun. Or knowing anything is the same? And how can you decide that what is the smallest part of knowing about anything?..." Later that day she told me, that they give questions that she must answer in the time that the people who choose the questions give. But I still wonder how one question can tell whether Kats knows about it or not, what if when she was asked the question she forgot about it, but later she remembered it. Like I know that Barney is purple in colour, but what if I forget how to pronounce the name of the colour, would it mean I don't know about it?

If only knowing and everything to do with it was easy. Till two years back, Kats knew she loved Chemistry, she still does, but she knew she wanted to know more chemistry, but being a REAL scientist that was the lie she started to chant. And it was a whale that swallowed her. She was too scared, too shy to say what she really wanted, she knew what she wanted. But living inside the whale of lies, she forgot about the sun, the moon, the water, the wind. And when the whale opened its mouth a bit, through the cracks she saw it and recalled. And again she was back into the pinkness of the mouth of the whale. And for that time, the thought of the sun, moon and water never came to her. Now, just today, the whale coughed and she was thrown right into the sea. Initially she thought she didn't know anything, not even how to swim. But her hands began to move on their own, and she didn't drown. Now the chaos is all about whether Kats knows what she wanted to be or whether she doesn't?

How many marks for her to answer the question of "what do you want to be?" ? Can the answer to the question really know whether she knows it? Chaos it is.